


felt so crystal

by canlah



Series: felt so crystal [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Accidental Outing, Dysphoria, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 01:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4727291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canlah/pseuds/canlah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata cuts his hair in his final year of middle school. He explains to his mother that he doesn’t think Tsubasa really suits him, and that next year he’d like to wear the boys’ uniform instead, please.</p><p> </p><p>After the initial surprise, his mother asks what he thinks of the name Shouyou.</p>
            </blockquote>





	felt so crystal

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [felt so crystal](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4992946) by [Nataliny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nataliny/pseuds/Nataliny)



> Trigger warnings for dysphoria, accidental outings, and potential transphobia.

Hinata cuts his hair in his final year of middle school. He explains to his mother that he doesn’t think Tsubasa really suits him, and that next year he’d like to wear the boys’ uniform instead, please.

After the initial surprise, his mother asks what he thinks of the name _Shouyou_.

* * *

The first person to find out, of all people, is Ennoshita.

Hinata and Kageyama are the last ones left, rushing to clean up the gym after another late practice. Kageyama’s gone to get a milk box and Hinata is seizing the opportunity to not have to change in the toilet stall, surreptitiously swapping out his sports bra and binder. The others, used to his nervous stomach, thankfully never question him.

Hinata’s just pulled off a sweat-soaked jersey when the door swings open and Ennoshita walks in.

“Forgot my bag, you haven’t seen it by any-” his voice trails off as he spots Hinata’s deer-in-the-headlights expression. His gaze flicks down and his eyes widen at the sight of the sports bra.

Hinata’s blood runs cold but his face feels so _hot_ and his heart is racing and he’s definitely going to be sick-

“Have you seen my bag?” Ennoshita asks politely, and Hinata’s thoughts grind to a halt.

“I, uh, I think I saw a bag next to the water fountain,” Hinata stammers nervously, because he still isn’t sure if this isn’t some kind of joke, because Ennoshita _saw_ and now he _knows_ and Hinata is a _boy_ , which means he has to play on the _boys_ volleyball team.

“Oh! Thanks,” Ennoshita smiles, and there’s something soft and warm in it that finally brings Hinata’s heartbeat close to normal.

“No problem,” Hinata attempts his trademark grin, and then hurriedly pulls his school shirt on as footsteps echo outside.

“I won’t tell,” Ennoshita says firmly, and then he’s gone and Kageyama is in his place, looking bored and already halfway through his milk box. Hinata has to duck his head to hide the real smile thats growing, because someone knows and its okay, its _okay_.

* * *

It took him a while to learn to respond to Shouyou, which earns him the reputation of a bit of an airhead. The conversations are a far cry from what he was used to from the middle school girls, but it’s not bad, it’s just different, and people just think he’s shy because he’s a little on the small side for a boy his age.

Hinata learns that if he talks excitedly, people won’t notice his voice doesn’t seem to have broken, the more he moves the less people will notice the strange way his shirt sometimes curves around his frame.

* * *

The second person to find out is Yachi, and that’s because Hinata is desperate.

He’s been practicing late every day this week and he overslept this morning, forgot to check the calendar while throwing his books in his bag, and-

The point is, he felt something wet trickle down his leg as he left sixth period, and he doesn’t have a tampon.

He corners Yachi as she and Kiyoko set up the gym while everyone else gets changed, asks to talk to her in private. She flushes and agrees, and Hinata sees Kiyoko looking at them out of the corner of her eye but she doesn’t say anything, for which Hinata is grateful.

When he finishes, the only thing Yachi says is “oh,”, a short, sharp sound. She recovers admirably quickly though, pulling a tampon out of her bag and offering him painkillers for cramps.

Hinata hugs her before running off to get ready for practice.

* * *

Yachi knowing becomes something of a catalyst, and she starts joining his lunchtime practices with Kageyama. Kageyama doesn’t mind since she doesn’t interfere with his tossing, and Yachi becomes slightly less afraid of his perpetual glares the more she sees them. Slightly.

He gets teased, of course, by Tanaka and Noya as Tsukishima sneers in the background, saying that she must have a crush on one of them and was planning to confess. Daichi quickly stops them and tells him he’s glad they’re getting along so well.

“It’s important for club members to have a good relationship with their managers,” and Hinata nods his head, runs onto the court wondering how Daichi would react if he knew.

* * *

Kageyama finds out next, which is nothing short of inevitable. Hinata’s been trying to find a way to breach the topic when Kageyama finds out anyway.

It happens like this:

Natsu has a sleepover. His mother is having a night out with friends. Home alone and feeling lazy, Hinata lies on on the sofa in a sports bra and old, worn sweatpants. He’s so engrossed in a reality show about dog walkers, that when the doorbell rings he gets up to answer it without thinking.

Outside is Kageyama, with a volleyball and an invitation to the practice courts down the street.

Hinata opens the door, and Kageyama stares.

And stares.

“Let me put on a shirt,” Hinata sighs, and grabs the first one he sees. He and Kageyama walk down to the courts in silence, and Hinata can hear the blood roaring in his ears.

Hinata runs his finger over the edge of the keys in his pocket, figures if Kageyama gets angry he could probably make a run for it-

_No._ Hinata is surprised with the force of his own fury. What right should Kageyama have to get angry? It was none of his business, it didn’t change anything, _shouldn’t_ change anything.

“I’m a boy,” he says harshly, and immediately wishes he could take it back. Kageyama doesn’t laugh, or sneer, or get angry. He just looks...surprised.

“Who else knows?” Kageyama asks tentatively. “That-that you’re a boy?”

“My mom, obviously. Natsu, but she was too little to really understand that...that I was a boy. Yachi,” Hinata lists a little nervously, and Kageyama nods like its what he expected. “Oh, and Ennoshita- he, uh, he saw me changing and well, yeah.”

Kageyama looks at him with sudden understanding.

“That’s why you change in the stall?” he asks. “I just thought you were shy or had a weird birthmark but I didn’t want to say anything.”

Hinata is momentarily distracted by the birthmark comment but is brought back to the present when Kageyama looks down and scuffs his feet against the pavement.

“I won’t tell,’ he says quietly. “I mean- you can trust me. I won’t tell anyone you’re- you’re a boy.” Hinata can tell he’s trying, he really is, and it makes him feel all filled up inside.

“I wanted to tell you,” Hinata says impulsively. “I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t find the right time, or the right words.” He knows saying it was the right thing because something immediately lifts from Kageyama’s expression, the shadow of a memory of standing alone on a court.

“I wondered about Yachi,” Kageyama admits, turning a little pink. “But I thought you had a crush on her or something.” Hinata knows what that ‘or something’ is.

“You’re the one who makes me invincible,”  Hinata says firmly. Kageyama smiles, and instead of being scary it is small and shy, and Hinata feels his heart swell a little at the sight.

The rest of the walk to the courts is filled with an argument about how weird a birthmark would have to be for someone to hide it so religiously.

* * *

Things are different after Kageyama finds out.

Hinata stops changing in the stall, because honestly he’s a bit sick of the cramped space and if Kageyama always happens to be standing in front of him when Hinata’s changing his shirt, well, it’s probably just because their lockers happen to be next to each other, right?

When Hinata recounts the tale of how he told Yachi as they walk home one day, Kageyama starts keeping painkillers and spare tampons in his bag, and something in Hinata’s chest goes very soft when he thinks about it.

On days that things just feel so wrong that he can’t breathe, Kageyama will sit outside with Hinata and they’ll pass a volleyball back and forth in silence until Hinata feels better. Sometimes Kageyama will even make an effort to talk, stories about his crazy relatives that don’t require a response. Hinata can listen instead of drowning in his own thoughts, and when Kageyama smiles during one particular story Hinata thinks he falls a little bit in love. Kageyama isn’t good with words, that much is obvious. But he tries, and he tries.

* * *

Hinata tells Kenma a few weeks later, on a rare occasion that they both have free time in their training schedules. He’s nervous but also a little excited because this time he’s choosing to tell someone, it’s his choice how to do it and what to say, and it feels good to be in control.

He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, eagerly awaiting Kenma outside a small coffee shop they both like to visit and when Kenma arrives he side-eyes Hinata like he knows he’s planning something.

Hinata buys Kenma his favourite (hot chocolate) and then finds them a table in the corner where they won’t be bothered. He forces himself to sound calm, uses actual words like ‘transgender’ and ‘female to male’ instead of the half speak he’d used with Kageyama.

When Kenma says “me too”, Hinata almost faints.

* * *

Now that people know, things are different, but they’re not. Hinata still goes to volleyball practice every day, still consistently fails his English tests, still gives his all in practice matches. He feels like he’s living in some strange place in between lives, but he’s happy, he is, and he’s also terrified of when the other foot will come crashing down.

He confides this fear in Kageyama one day after practice, and Kageyama is quiet for a long time.

“You’re a boy,” he says finally. “So there’s no reason it should interfere with volleyball. And if you’re worried about the others finding out, well, you’re still Hinata, and they should still be your friends.”

“What if they say I can’t play anymore?” Hinata ventures.

“That wouldn’t be fair,” Kageyama frowns. “I’d quit if they made you stop.”

Hinata has a moment of enlightenment. He finally understands shoujo manga.

Hinata stares at Kageyama as everything else becomes meaningless background.

“Kageyama,” he stares. “You _love_ volleyball.”

Kageyama looks uncomfortable.

“It’d be wrong of them to make you stop over something like that,” he fidgets. “It wouldn’t make sense anyways.”

Hinata is still having trouble believing that Kageyama, who still flinches at being called ‘King’, who still has trouble tossing for people who aren’t Hinata, would consider giving up _volleyball_.

“You’d really do that?” Hinata is not tearing up. He’s _not_.

“Dumbass,” Kageyama punches him softly but there’s no heat in his words. “You’re the only one who can hit my tosses, who else would I toss to?”

* * *

Eventually, though, the other foot does come crashing down.

The weekend after losing a practice match against Fukurodani, Daichi holds a bootcamp that starts at six in the morning and doesn’t end until the sun is starting to sink below the horizon. With only a few short breaks in the day, they’re all tired, sweaty, and starving.

In a show of mercy, Daichi decides to treat them to meat buns.

The whole team is there, scattered on the quiet street outside the shop as Daichi passes out the buns. Ennoshita, Narita, and Kinoshita are engaged in a furious competition of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Tanaka and Noya have linked their arms and are trying to convince a terrified Asahi to sit, with Suga quietly cheering them on. Dachi is pretending not to notice but he’s starting to look like he wished he had a first aid kit.

Ukai, Takeda, and Kiyoko are all talking quietly, while Tsukishima and Yamaguchi whisper together, hands over their mouths.

Kageyama is holding Hinata and Yachi’s meant buns hostage, hands held high over his head. Hinata would jump, but he’d be more likely to spike the bun than grab it. It’s not a risk he’s willing to take. Yachi is good-naturedly trying anyways.

“Hinata!” Hinata knows that voice, even though he hasn’t heard it for a long time. He turns his head on reflex and immediately regrets it.

 

“Hinata, it is you!” A girl wearing the uniform of a school a few streets away is steadily walking towards them. “Nobody’s hair is as bright as yours!”

Hinata can feel the others looking curiously in their direction and he can feel himself break out in a cold sweat. Tanaka and Noya peel themselves away from a relieved Asahi to coil themselves around Hinata.

“Kimiko-san?” Hinata’s voice comes out a little wobbly and Kageyama looks at him sharply.

She’s in front of them now, hair pulled neatly apart in pigtails and uniform perfectly pressed.

“Oh ho ho?” Tanaka preens. “How would a fair maiden like yourself know our handsome Hinata?” Noya nods furiously next to him.

“It’s so good to see you Tsubasa-chan!” Kimiko exclaims, and Hinata’s heart drops somewhere deep into his gut. Tanaka and Noya frown in confusion, and they aren’t the only ones.

“Tsubasa-chan?” Suga remarks curiously.

Kimiko finally notices the others’ curious looks and misinterprets them entirely.

“We went to elementary school together,” Kimiko smiles innocently. “Though we lost contact after we went to different middle schools.”

Hinata’s heart is pounding and he feels sick. Kimiko is starting to look uncertain now; Hinata still hasn’t returned her enthusiasm and the others still look confused.

“You cut your hair,” she tries again. “I remember when we both swore we’d grow it all the way down to our waists.” Hinata dimly remembers that, a time where he didn’t understand the strings that tied to the way he looked. Hinata had just thought it would look cool. “Guess that didn’t really work out for either of us, huh, Tsubasa?”

“Actually,” Hinata has to stop to clear his throat. “It’s Shouyou now.” Kimiko’s hands fly to her mouth.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” She sounds genuinely apologetic. “I didn’t know!” The sound of footsteps echo down the now even quieter street, and a girl wearing Kimiko’s uniform appears.

“Kimiko!” Kimiko turns, cheeks red. “We need to go or we’ll be late!”

“It was nice seeing you again,” Kimiko says quietly. “Really.” Hinata wishes he could say the same but instead can only wave as she jogs down the street to catch up to her friend.

Karasuno is quiet.

As Hinata turns around, his first thought is how he’s going to convince Kageyama to stay on the team. His second is _fuck_.

For a moment, the only sound is a few leaves shuffling amongst themselves in the wind. An absurd corner of Hinata’s mind notes that Kageyama is still holding the meat buns.

Then Tanaka is ruffling his hair and saying “No offense, but I think Asahi’s hair is long enough for all of us,” and Hinata cannot believe what he is hearing.

“You’re not mad?” he asks, because he has to know, can’t let the opportunity to ask slip by. “That I didn’t tell you?”

“What, that you had a bad sense of style?” Tsukishima snorts. “Please, I think we all realised that a long time ago. Besides, pink would clash horribly with your hair.”

Everyone turns to stare at Tsukishima instead, who only sniffs.

Hinata could kiss him. (Except, well, its Tsukishima, and if he’s being honest he’d really much rather kiss Kageyama instead. )

“Are you really in a position to mock someone’s hairstyle, Tanaka?” Asahi asks irritably, and then immediately turns bright red. “I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean to say that out loud!”

Noya laughs so hard he almost chokes.

Hinata watches with a warmth in his chest he is slowly beginning to recognise as affection.

Later, before they split their separate ways to go home, Daichi claps him on the shoulder.

“This doesn’t change anything,” he says quietly, eyes serious. “We’re your teammates, but we’re also your friends, and we’ll support you no matter what.”

Hinata cries and Kageyama wordlessly hands him a tissue.

* * *

As they walk home, just the two of them, Hinata tangles his fingers together with Kageyama’s, and he’s gratified to see he isn’t the only one who turns pink.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've tried writing anything like this, and its been largely inspired by other stories I've seen here on AO3. I'm not trans, so please tell me if there are any inaccuracies I need to fix and I'll change them straight away. 
> 
> Please leave feedback!! x
> 
> find me on tumblr at bluewriters


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